God I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed.

Give me vision to see things like You do.

God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from.

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do.

“God I Look to You”, Bethel

It feels like winter quarter just started this week, but the reality is that I’m going into the fifth week this week.  Two normal weeks of school, one that was full of snow days and one where I travelled to Michigan for half of it have made me feel ungrounded in my everyday routine.  And when routine disappears, I start to worry and feel scattered.  Now I find myself sitting in a church listening to some of my dearest friends practice worship music for an upcoming retreat and I have felt God’s presence more strongly than I have in quite some time.  Sun shines through the stained glass, casting shadows of a tree stripped bare of its leaves on the floor.  

Why is it that my mind begins to race as soon as I lay my head down to rest each night? Why is it that the idea of calling no longer makes me feel at ease, but instead fills me with anxiety?  Why do I fear the future when I should really just be thankful for the present?  The present is beautiful right now and I desperately wish that my fear of the uncertainty after June 9th would stop creeping into my thoughts.  I think there is only one big update of my life regarding the future right now and that is the ever prominent view in my heart that I have an unexpected desire to stay.  Always I have said “go” and now I am thinking otherwise.  A summer abroad in Rwanda gave me a taste of the world that is out there and the world I want to be a part of, but I’m not ready for it.  I know I will be ready for it in time, but that time is not now.  

God has provided so much for me in my present circumstances and I am not ready to leave them.  I have been surprised by my desire to work more closely with the church and it has come as a result of leading the Group worship service this year.  Now, more than ever, worship has become an intrinsic part of who I am and I have seen the power it holds in so many arenas.  It is a place of worship, but more than that it is a place of education.  Biblical education, yes, but it goes further than that.  It is an education that teaches us that we are all part of the greater Biblical story.  In our everyday lives, where does the love of Christ shine bright and in what places has it yet to shine?  There is a fullness of the Kingdom of God that has yet to manifest itself in our world and we have the great honor to be a part of it.  

If my being a part of the Kingdom of God means staying in Seattle for longer than I anticipated, I am okay with that.  If it means sitting in an office and doing data entry for the ultimate glory of a better Kingdom, I am okay with that as well.  If it means not yet entering the NGO world and making coffee for people in the midst of their busy lives, I am even okay with that.  In the end, my hope is simply this: that I will have a place to let the love of Christ shine simply by living my life in a way that glorifies him.  Fear of the days following June 9th is not going to help me live my life in that way.  I must once again remind myself how to rest in the hope that God has a plan and, though it may be different from my own, it will be far greater than anything I can plan on my own.